Questions and Answers: Dear Ms. Soup: Hi, its me again. That girl that I like has been staring at me a lot lately, and even smiling at me. There is a dance this Friday and I will ask her to dance then. But that is not really what I want to discuss. There is another girl who is very popular and good looking as well. Anyway she has been nice to me a lot this year, she even asked me to dance at the junior ball. Now I just got a Christmas card from her today. I never get any cards from anyone but family. I know she has a boyfriend, and I was just wondering if these were signs of friendship or signs of just feeling sorry for me. My friend is in love with her and you have answered some of Josh's questions already. My other question is, if a girl has a boyfriend, and she gives him something, does that mean that she likes him more than anything in the world like he believes? I don't think so but I want your opinion. Thank you. And there is one more thing, How can you tell if someone you like "really like you too"? I have looked for signs, but my friend says that every little gesture made toward me goes to my head. He is shooting down any confidence that I have, and I'm getting tired of it. I don't go up to Josh and tell him that he has no chance with this popular girl because I know it would shatter his feelings. At least I think of things like that. Again, thank you. - Mike Dear Mike: I don't think sending someone a Christmas card means that they're feeling sorry for you. Most people send cards in friendship and that's how I'd look at it. Some people are very outgoing by nature and they like to have lots of friends. Perhaps this is the type of girl she is and it's all innocent. If she has a boyfriend and appears content to stay with him then you should probably respect that and assume you fall in the "friend" category. Giving someone a gift is from friendship, caring concern, or love - in other words there are many reasons to do so - but it doesn't necessarily mean the world has stopped in its tracks because of it. As far as knowing for sure if someone likes you: yes, look for signs, but sometimes you can be looking so closely that you really do start seeing things that aren't there and werenąt meant to be there. Your friend shouldn't shoot down your confidence, nor should you do that to him. You guys seem to be in a battle of girlfriends, some available and some not available. The ones who aren't available, I suggest you both forget them. You're just torturing yourselves over the situation. Finding the right person is a very difficult thing and it involves a lot of discovery, give and take and exploration. You should look for the girl with whom you have the most interests and whose ethics you respect and someone you know feels those same things about you. Looks are great but if the other stuff isn't there, why bother? Dear Ms. Soup: Hey. Ok I'm going out with this one girl for 3 months now. this other girl that I have wanted to go out with for a long time likes me. I don't know what's going to happen between me and my girlfriend. I kind of like the other girl though what should I do. - Pimp Dear Pimp (not a very nice alias): It all depends on how much you like your present girlfriend and how well you get along. Make a list of pros and cons of the relationship. What do you really know about the new girl? How do you know if it will work? Are you willing to lose the present girlfriend by going with the new one. These are the questions you need to ask yourself and you are really the only one who can possibly know what to do. Dear Ms. Soup: I have a problem. At school there's this girl that I've totally fallen in love with. She's gorgeous, funny, smart, and also taken. But that's not my problem. I would like to stop tripping over my tongue around her. I know Lindsey has a boyfriend, and I'm glad. He's a nice guy and she's happy with him. I'd like to be friends with her, but I can barely breathe around her. I am like head over heels in love with her and I'd like to quiet down those feelings. It seems like when ever I start feeling comfortable around her she does something to stir up my emotions. Like at the junior ball I just went to. I was doing fine, she looked absolutely stunning. Then she asked me to dance with her, and it was a slow dance at that. So I danced with her. Then after the ball there was a party at her house. I sat down on her couch, about 15 minutes later she came and sat next to me. Then her boy friend came. She got up, he sat down, and she sat on me and her boyfriend. Ms. Soup, I'm not looking to go out with her or anything, I'm looking for a way to control my emotions. - Josh Dear Josh By continuing your very close contact with her you are constantly reinforcing your feelings for her. I suggest you back away. For example: you really didn't have to dance with her. She may be a friend and I know you'd like to keep it that way but you're going to have to choose the activities you allow yourself to enter into with her. Also - you really need to channel your emotions and energy into something else entirely, another activity, project, or available person. Right now, you are being triggered by these strong feelings that can't go anywhere. We all put ourselves into positions that reflect how we feel about ourselves and in your situation - it's a losing position. Work on your self-image. Do you really want to be constantly in the losing position? Move on. That's the best advice I can give. You already know she's unavailable and happy with some other nice guy. You sound willing to step aside - as you seem to have done. Well, stepping aside means cutting the emotional ties as well as the physical ones. Dear Ms. Soup: Hi! This is my first time typing to you, I got your site off a friend, whom you've helped a few times. Anyway...I saw this guy at a football game. And, before I knew it a mutual friend hooked us up. We talked on the phone every day and hung out a few times. BUT, lately he hasn't called, he shows no interest in hanging out. He works a lot, but I think it's something more than that. Do I just forget about him? Or wait till he comes around..? Our mutual friend doesn't say much to me about him anymore. I think he knows something and doesnąt want to tell me. So, have you any advice?? Please respond ASAP!! thanks.- Christine Dear Christine: Perhaps your football guy simply lost interest. It's possible that your friend does know something but is trying not to hurt you by saying anything. It's also possible that the football guy really doesn't have the time now at this time of year to pursue a relationship. My suggestion is that you wait it out and if he doesn't contact you, move on. If you absolutely must know the reason behind the action, then go directly to the football guy and ask him - nicely - what happened (use this information only for learning purposes - learning about yourself). Then, accept it because you probably aren't going to change his mind. And if the football guy just lost interest - it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you - it's just the way things work out. Dear Ms. Soup: I like this guy-friend of mine that I take dance classes with a lot! He is in the 10th grade and I am in 8th. I think that he likes me but I'm not really sure. The problem is that all of my friends always tell him how much I like him and I know he gets flattered by it because he tells people about it too! The thing is, do you think if I told him how I felt about him rather than my friends telling him then maybe I would have a better chance of ever dating him? - Blair Dear Blair: Perhaps. What's the feedback from your friends about his feelings toward you? Any? If not, then perhaps it's just one-sided on your part and telling him won't help. Also, I'm not a big fan of having friends act as go-betweens in matters of the heart. It's like both you and he having to "put on a show" for all the world to see when things should be private. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of having to respond a certain way to your friends. I'd leave them out of things entirely. The other point I have to make is that at your age, a spread of two years is a big gap and I imagine that he would want to date girls his own age. So don't feel bad, that's just the way things are. You'd be better off getting a friendship going with someone in your own age bracket.