Questions and Answers: Dear Ms. Soup: I am a 10 year old girl. I have A.D.D. and depression. My mom also has depression. I am on zoloft, dexadrein, and welbutrin. It feels like a lot! I have a crush on a boy who is the same age and school as me. He has ADD. He is very nice to me but after an encounter with a bully from school (which practically saved my life) he completely ignored me! I don't know what to do!! I also have another problem. My best friend since pre-school is having a Halloween party and invited me but I don't know if I should go because in school she's one of those "popular" ones and asks me to stay away from her during school because she gets embarrassed. She's my favorite friend but when she says that to me it makes me feel mad and sad. what should I do?? Also -me and mother have been fighting and to make matters worse I'm overweight and get called names at school. I donšt know what to do anymore!! - Tigger's not bouncy in Minnesota Dear Tigger: We'll start with something very simple you can do to help yourself - that is controlling your breathing. You need to get by yourself, either lie down or sit in a comfortable position and take in a deep breath to the count of three through your nose, then hold it for three seconds then let it out through your mouth to the count of three. The idea is to breathe deeply and very slowly to calm both your brain and body. When you're comfortable with the count of 3,3,3 then do the same thing at 4,4,4. And then upwards adding another second. Bu the way, this is not all during one sitting. Stick with the 3's the first time around. This is an ancient technique developed by a man over two thousands years ago by the name of Serebrnick. This is a very powerful technique that you can use when you feel you have no control over your life. It helps focus your mind as it brings oxygen into your body to help balance it. Warning: Do not discuss this technique with anyone. It will be your secret weapon. I taught you this technique first, Tigger, because you need to begin to feel that you have some control over your life. This technique is also very powerful for easing depression. Let's talk about your weight. In order to change your outside (body), you must first change the inside (mind and emotions). You can do this while you practice your breathing technique: try to get hold of some very soft classical music called Baroque - (ask a music teacher or at a music store). I know this may sound strange especially at your age, but trust me. There's something very special about this music. Play this music while you do your breathing exercises and see in your mind how you want to feel and look. Practice this everyday without fail. First just a couple of minutes and then eventually up to fifteen minutes each day. While you're falling asleep at night, do your breathing -it can be without the music - imagine how you want to look and feel at school or elsewhere. It might be difficult to lose weight while your taking your medication, but you must start programming your mind so that it will do what's necessary for the body to be in good shape. But remember one thing, your mind can only set the pace but you must follow through. Just like using your mind exercises, you must exercise your body - start slowly at first (maybe just a little walking and build from there), watch what you eat - healthy foods make for a healthy mind and body. Regarding the name-calling by kids at school. A neat little trick I used to teach my clients in these situations was to again use your imagination. Imagine you have a force field around you, like on "Star Trek", and their words are like rubber balls coming out of their mouths; imagine they just bounce off of your force field, leaving you feeling strong and powerful against their stupid words. You can use the same technique when your mother is upset at you but try to figure out why you two fight. Try to pick a time when she's feeling okay to talk to her and calmly tell her how you feel about things without accusing her of being the bad person. No one is good or bad here. It's just two people who need to learn to talk to each other. As far as the boy you like and your girlfriend, try to get them alone and ask them nicely what's wrong. Do it nicely and don't threaten them. If it turns out that they don't want to be your friend and treat you nicely, I would you suggest you take a little time off from these people and concentrate on yourself. Are there some things that you'd like to learn how to do? Maybe you'd like to learn a new hobby that would make you feel good. Maybe you'd like to learn how to draw or to play an instrument, whatever. To sum it up, spend some good quality time learning about the best friend you'll ever have. Yourself! I think you're worth it. Now you have to think you're worth it. Good luck from your friend, Ms. Soup and feel free to write me again if an when you need to. Dear Ms. Soup: I Have a problem that I believe stems from my upbringing in the southern US. I've got this why do today what can be put off till tomorrow attitude that seems to do nothing more than get me further behind in every aspect of my life. Every time I decide to take action against it, I end up putting it off till tomorrow. Again and again and again. Help!!! Can you wait till tomorrow though? - signed Haksaw Dear Haksaw: Fat chance! Your procrastination comes from lack of motivation. The fact that you've written to Ms. Soup indicates that you've identified that you indeed have a problem and that you'd like to do something about it. Great - that's the first step. But, be very clear in your mind on a DAILY basis that you want to stop the vicious cycle of procrastination. It's something that can creep up on you very easily. You may not feel well that day or you might have a fight with your spouse or whomever. And that could make it easy to fall back into the cycle. After all, it's hard to be motivated to accomplish a set of tasks when your mind is elsewhere. An EXERCISE for you: Try making a list on a daily basis of the things you want to accomplish. Put an A, B, or C next to each item to indicate their importance or priority based on time frame (how soon it needs to be done). Make sure that list is right in front of you as you get up, as you face your computer, make your breakfast or whatever. Be realistic about how much you can physically or emotionally accomplish each day. Then, check off each task that's been completed. The trick is in realizing that what you don't accomplish one day, will automatically slide to the next. Sometimes that's okay, but when it's an appointment you're missing or something based on time frame then that can get you in trouble. It may be difficult to start the program but you'll be grateful once it's in full swing and you're starting to feel like Superman. Good Luck and don't put off starting this program. Do it now! Dear Ms. Soup: There is this girl I asked out and she never gave me an answer. What do you think I should do? Signed, Tim. Dear Tim: Well, right off the bat, I'd say ask her again. You might want to get her by herself so that you have her full attention and she's not embarrassed in front of her friends or yours. You didn't say whether or not you asked her out in general or to something specific. You might try picking something she can't refuse, like "Hey, I got these really neat tickets to this concert (or whatever). You wan come?" Find out what SHE likes to do and try to meet that need. If she never gave you an answer it's possible she just got sidetracked, or maybe she's shy or unsure about how the two of you would get along. In other words, there might be any number of reasons why she didn't answer you right away. If you're getting clear signals that she's truly not interested (avoiding you, etc) then obviously you want to find another girl. The old saying, "there's lots of fish in the sea" would apply here. If she doesn't want to go out with you, there are many more who would. Also, the best way to survive her saying "no" is simply to act casual about the whole thing: you'd like to go out with her but aren't going to get bent out of shape if she says no. Just use the magic word: "Next!" and move on to someone else. Dear Ms. Soup: My concern is I've fallen head over heels in love with a man I've met through online chat lines and well we only live one province away from one another I'm unsure on how we can arrange to get married than move in together...(we wish to get married before we live together)...but it seems to be a problem considering it's kind of hard to plan a wedding when living in separate provinces...also which province do we have the wedding in!? Here where I'm from or where he's from!? Also I'm confused about this whole paying thing..I guess nowadays you spilt costs!? What happens if I'm moving from a job to be with him!? Does he than in turn have more of the responsibilities of paying!? Hope you can answer a few of my concerns. Signed, Can't Wait For Love Dear Can't Wait For Love: Wow! Yes you certainly do have some concerns. I'll start with the simplest about splitting the costs. 1. This is certainly a most reasonable response to the escalating costs connected with weddings these days, whether it's you two paying for it or your parents. But, only you and your love can determine how extravagant you wish to be. If you both plan to pay and it's coming out of your savings, think long and hard about how much you want to spend. You will soon have far more important expenses to consider: such as house or apartment, furnishings and perhaps children. Do you really want to deplete your savings or get into debt over a ceremony? It may indeed be the memory of a lifetime, but a vast amount of debt can be the same thing too. On the same note: neither be a slave to tradition nor succumb to peer or parental pressure. It's your day and ultimately it is you who need to be happy with the arrangements. 2. Long distance relations can be difficult but they're handled all the time, assuming the people involved are committed to each other (to the relationship) and have something to occupy their minds when their mates are away - such as a very involving and/or important job and are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One province away seems do-able - even if it's just for planning a wedding. As to where to have the wedding, it may depend upon your families and friends and the numbers involved. First, decide who you want to come. Maybe one side has a greater number and you decide democratically - the side with the larger number gets to have the wedding in his or her province. OR: maybe you'd like to have two small events - one in each province - two simple ceremonies and gatherings for each side's friends/family- maybe at a nice restaurant. OR: decide based upon the locale - perhaps there's a perfect church (or ceremony grounds, or whatever) in one province and your decision is based upon that. In other words, find the single most important concept that defines your idea of a wonderful ceremony and go look for it in both provinces. Have the ceremony in the province that represents your ideal. Instead of worrying about your decision - look at it as an adventure - on the hunt for the perfect wedding. Your decision must please you both first and foremost. The others will just have to cope with your decisions. 3. It sounds like you've already decided that it's your job that's the expendable one. Is it? Is his province the one in which you've both chosen to live? This is another think long and hard about issue. How do you feel about losing your job? Is it just a job or a career and can you replace it? Whatever decision you make, you will have to live with it for a long time and you don't want some horrible resentment to creep in somewhere down the line. You might want to start looking into job possibilities in his province right away and start lining things up. It might be healthier for the relationship if you're not sitting at home (in your new home) all alone wondering what to do next. Or if you're living at his place, you might feel a bit like a duck out of water: his province, his home, his job. What, in fact, is left of you and yours? Keep your individuality and self-worth alive and well. It will set the tone for the rest of your relationship. 4. If you give up your job just to be with him, "does he in turn have more of the responsibilities of paying?" you ask. Provided that this is a decision you both made in advance, yes. Also, paying for what? Paying for everything, for how long, until you get another job, what if you can't find one? He has responsibilities for keeping the promises he makes to you. You have a responsibility for the same thing. And you both have the responsibility of being absolutely honest with yourselves and each other. Can you make it on one salary and will you be happy not working at an outside job? Those are just two issues to consider. 5. Lastly, I've assumed you've spent a good deal of your time together in person and not just over the chat lines. Telephone and chat relationships can be fun but they're not reality. Interacting in person is going to tell you a lot more about a person than anything else. You certainly don't want any surprises popping up after the wedding. One more lastly - be careful. Your concerns are really rather deep, particularly the one about the job. It's so easy to blow things off when you're in love, you shuffle things away, ignore them. The job issue is important to resolve right off the bat. When it comes to money or lack of it, relationships can suffer dramatically. And lost self-esteem from a lost job can result in anger at oneself and resentments directed at the other person. A marriage is not built on these stones. Dear Ms. Soup: Here is the story about the guy I like I met on the way back from our school trip we talked on our way home he told me what his dad does ever since then I liked him and I think he likes me too but I don't know if I say anything or even flirt with him. what should I do? I don't know if he's shy or something! - Lovebug Dear Lovebug: First of all, if the boy you like is already talking to you, he's not that shy. It sounds like you developed the start of a nice friendship on your way back from the school trip, so my advice to you is to forget about "flirting" right off the bat. If he didn't like you at all, he wouldn't have spoken to you, so why ruin it with a lot of "airs" - which is what flirting tends to do to people - it makes them say and do things that is out of character. Just try to be yourself, pleasant and likable and whatever develops from there will be genuine. If you're really getting flustered just being around him or talking to him, try to calm down and listen to what he's saying rather than how many times your heart is beating. It'll make you a better friend in all your relationships and he'll like the fact that you're interested in him as a person. Good luck and stay calm.