Questions and Answers: Dear Ms. Soup: Here is a difficult one. I'm a foster parent and have been for 2 years now, and I just had to have my 11 year old foster son arrested for assault. He had lived with us for one year. After the police took him our my other kids started talking to us and telling us that he was sexually abusing them and threatening them if they told he would hurt them or someone they knew. I did the proper procedure and called my certifier right away and the police. My question is when my younger kids act out the way the 11 year old did to them, how do you get it across to them that it's not ok, and at the same time not have them feel as if they are doing something very wrong and that they might have to leave. I don't want them to feel that they could be removed for just anything and I know they get scared. Please help, thank you. - Foster Mama Dear Foster Mama: The best way to deal with a difficult situation like this is to keep your reaction to it as clear and simple as possible, at the same time using love, patience and understanding. I think you did the best thing by consulting with your certifier as soon as you learned about the situation. I would seek out professional help as well as spending time with the children in a group and individually in discussion regarding what had happened and why it wasn't their fault. It's certainly important that the children understand that what the other child did was seriously wrong and must never be repeated. It's very important to find out how the kids think and feel about the situation before you start preaching to them. If you really pay attention to them and listen carefully, the clues to how to deal with them will probably be right in front of you. You should be relaxed and very calm when dealing with them. However, remember that when your kids do something wrong in the future, don't overreact to something that could possibly be normal behavior for a child. In other words, don't mistakenly think that any problem that develops in the future is automatically connected to this past event. It may not be. Dear Ms. Soup: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and we have started to talk about marriage. We are very much in love and I feel pretty sure that he is the right one for me. Like any other couple, we have some issues that we work on, but we have been able to work out differences as they come up. I feel that we definitely have a mutual respect for one another's feelings. My problem is that my mother is convinced that he is not the right person for me. She feels that he has limited social skills, and that I am only staying with him because I am afraid of being alone. He is the first person I have dated who treats me the way I should be treated and she feels that I am settling just because I actually met a "nice" man. So I am supposed to break up with him because he is nice????? I love my mother very much, and I know that she wants what is best, but she is making me so sad. I desperately want her to be happy for me, and to share in this wonderful time in my life. I feel that I would be making a terrible mistake if I broke things off with my boyfriend. Right now I am just hoping that time will help her to realize that I have found a wonderful, caring, sweet, funny, loyal friend who wants to be my husband...and I am happy!!!!! Any thoughts/advice? Signed - Happy & Sad (age 28) Dear Happy & Sad: Your age and the time you've taken to get to know your boyfriend, tells me that you've certainly not rushed into anything. In fact, you seem to have weighed the various pros and cons in the relationship and decided that he's the one for you. Obviously that decision was based on some good input based on the boy himself and your abilities to work out your differences. Your mother's reaction is unfortunate and I understand that it is a cause of pain to you. But no matter how much you try to convince her, the reality is that she may never respond to your boyfriend the way you would like. Oftentimes, people's prejudices stem from many different sources. It could be, for instance, that her dislike of the boyfriend is because he reminds her of someone SHE once knew and disliked, or he doesn't look the way SHE would like, etc. It has nothing to do with YOU and your beliefs. As far as "limited social skills", if I'm reading you correctly, it's that she believes he is "lower class". If that were so, then it really comes down to how well you can cope with the circumstances: does he embarrass you in public? What is he doing that indicates "limited social skills" and if these things do embarrass you, then perhaps "upping" his education in that area would help. The two of you could take classes together in whatever areas need reinforcing. Treat it as "fun things to do" and maybe somewhere down the line your mother will notice the improvement. If you truly believe that caving in to your mother's wishes would be a terrible mistake then do NOT do it. There are few people in the world who could say all the nice things that you do about your future husband. Stick with him! It may very well be that time will change her idea of him. But for now, you can't force her to change her mind. Go about your own life and if she's smart, she may come to realize that it is her own doing when she's left out of the love and good times that you've made for yourselves. Dear Ms. Soup: I have another problem. This girl in my class is a real stuck-up! I asked her to be my friend and she said she would think about it. I stayed up half the night writing her a letter and come into school the next day and there on PAPER was a big fat NO!!!! she makes me so mad!!! My girl-friend doesn't even talk to me so I don't think she wants want me as a friend.that breathing exercise works very well with my temper, anger, & asthma!! Beethoven is my favorite classical music artist. Write me again!! - Tigger STILL has a problem Dear Tigger: There is something very important that you are forgetting: it's not the number of friends you have; it's the quality of the friendships. You seem to be trying to collect friends as you would coins or anything else. I strongly suggest that you treasure the ones you already have, doing your best to strengthen those bonds, rather than continually trying to find new ones. It also sounds like you're trying way too hard to have new friends. The good ones will come naturally. You'll meet someone with similar interests and before you know it, you'll have a new friend. It isn't necessary to write long letters to beg for friendship. Sometimes that, in itself, will scare someone away. People are funny like that, sometimes the closer you try to get to someone, the farther away they go. I know at your age having friends is important to you, but you seem to be putting too much energy into finding them and not enough into yourself. If the girl doesn't want to be your friend, then just leave her alone. Also, and this is very important for you to understand, she isn't making you mad - YOU are ALLOWING yourself to get mad. Don't do that. It's not good for your health, emotionally or physically. As with all things in life, you need to accept the realities of certain situations. I really think that you should be working on yourself right now, continuing the breathing exercises, learning control and planning activities than will strengthen the person you are. Now that you've read my answer, I want you to re-read it very carefully, very slowly and think about these things. Take care. Dear Ms. Soup: I met this guy on the internet and we started talking. We got really close and we fell in love. Problem is now he wants to move to where I live to be with me and I don't want him to come here. I know what he looks like and stuff but I am scared of him coming here. I told him NO but he still says he's coming. What should I do?? - signed Kay Dear Kay: Have you really tried to confront him? You could say that while you care about him, you think he's rushing it and if he continues to do these things, he's jeopardizing the relationship altogether, that it's turning you off. Tell him you want things to slow down and it has to be done your way. It seems obvious that you're not as in love with him as you might think since you don't want him showing up. Or perhaps you're just not ready for a lasting relationship at this time. You didn't say WHY you were scared of him coming there. If you're underage, you have the option of getting your parents involved. If not, then you might have someone you confide in to contact this guy for you (clergyman, friend in police department or even just a plain friend, relative?) and let him know that you're uncomfortable with the way things are proceeding. Or you may wish to discuss the situation with someone else as to why you don't want this guy to come. Is there a fear of commitment, perhaps? Without knowing your age or further details, it's hard for me to say. Dear Ms. Soup: Thank you for answering my question. I've asked my grandma and she didn't know what to do. Now I have another problem. I'm kind of getting popular and I'm happy and everything, but I don't know how to handle it because I've never been popular before. Oh, is Beethoven a good kind of relaxation music?? I would like to name all my friends in appreciation for support. There is Angel, Jennifer, Jessica, Katie, Emily, Ryan, Riley, and Heidi from Australia. Heidi I met at girl scout camp. She was a leader. Thank you to all my friends and Ms. Soup. Tigger is very bouncy again. Dear Tigger: Well, that's a fast come-back! Beethoven is fine - really, just use any slow, repeat slow, classical music. As far as being popular - enjoy it! Just don't turn into that other girlfriend of yours who doesn't want you around her in public. You don't ever want to become like that. You want to treat all your friends fairly and enjoy each of them for their different personalities. By the way, you should still practice your meditations when things are good. It will help you to cope with things when they're bad. Take care of yourself.