Questions and Answers: Dear Ms. Soup: It is me again - love is confusing - we are 11 and 12. I do not want to rush things but school is coming to an end and I have to do it quick. Should I ask her friends of her and should it be public or private. I just about did yesterday. signed Love is Confusing. Dear Love is Confusing: Well I just reread my last response to you and it's still valid, of course, even if you are 11 and 12 (although I wish you had told me that before). Anyway, your latest question is not too clear in that you just about did what yesterday - asked her or her friends? You may feel it's playing safe to ask her friends (one will do) if she likes you, but it's possible she may not have told any of them. It's probably best that you work the friendship angle that I mentioned last time and just go ahead and approach her. If you haven't done it by now, then you're probably nervous because you're thinking too much about her saying no. Don't worry about that. Instead, think about the nice time you'll have going to the park together or somewhere else. Do you have any contact at all with this girl? Do you say hi? And if so, how does she respond? Is she friendly? Also, now that I know your ages, I know it is entirely possible that her parents may not wish her to go out, so be aware of that possibility if she says no. Re-read my first answer to you and think about it. Try in advance to know what you want to say to her when you do approach but don't make it sound too "rehearsed". Otherwise, if she responds a certain way that you're not prepared for, it may throw you. Be friendly; be polite; don't be too hurt if she says no - ask her why, instead. It might be a very simple answer like she's not allowed or has to be somewhere else, or whatever. Ask if there's another day that might be better or something else you both can do. And, finally, relax, and yes, ask her in private so you don't have to deal with her girlfriends or your guy friends "making fun." By the way, love isn't any less confusing when you're 20, 30 or even 90 years old! Dear Ms. Soup: I want to be a child psychologist, I am 15. can you give some info? -signed Interested Dear Interested: It is a wonderful idea you have to be a child psychologist but it takes many years of education to achieve that goal. A psychologist holds a Ph.D. in psychology so plan to finish college and another two to four years after that. Your courses will include sociology, psychology, some medical. You'll want to study all you can about behavior in people (all types and classes of people) and learn what makes them tick: socially and medically; you'll need to learn about mental disease and its causes. These are the classes you'll need to concentrate on while college as well as the meeting the requirements for a good all-purpose education that makes you a more valuable doctor in the long run. When you get to college, speak to a guidance counselor in the Psychology department to steer you to the proper courses and good luck. In the meantime, pay close attention to how people around you behave, what they say they want in life, what their problems are, how they cope with things, etc. This is your starting ground; it will give you a good basis later when you actually study these things. Also you may try reading about hypnosis and anything dealing with personal suggestibility. There are other fields to consider which could be just as gratifying to you: Social Worker or Marriage, Family, Child Counselor (you need a master's degree for this and could do most of what a psychologist does). Dear Ms. Soup: I'm afraid. Not just normal fears like of fire or dogs or something. Iım afraid of life. Where I'm going, where I will end up, What's the point of it? You get my point. A lot of times I have this feeling, it's hard to describe. It is when I feel that there is no way out, when I am thinking that I should just end it. I have tried to talk to somebody. They would sympathize for awhile then just drop me. That makes me feel as though I am not wanted. I have tried to severely hurt myself by using different techniques. (like cutting my wrists) but no one seems to care. I am afraid to talk to my parents since they think I am perfect which I know I'm not. I have also been really stressed lately. I have spent the nights crying myself to sleep because I am thinking about having to face the next day. That freaks me out. Please write back if you have something You think I can do to change things. Thanks - Afraid Dear Afraid: You are definitely not alone in your "fear" of life and ultimately where you are going in it. Most people, at varying times in their life, often wonder the same thing and feel lost in the maze. The world is very big and scary and you have to find a comfortable place in it for yourself - no easy task. Don't ever think that people don't care. You're usually very wrong when you think that. Hurting yourself or worse is also, very often, the normal response to feeling that you have no option in life. Always remember this: you have options, many, many options. You just have to be willing to explore those options and try some of them out. If you think people aren't sympathetic and that they "drop you" it's probably because you aren't exploring those options that perhaps your friends are giving you - all you're doing is thinking about the mess, the bad things. You desperately need to open your eyes to new things, happier things, seeing the good in situations rather than bad. One very important thing I learned in life is that just because something didn't go the way I wanted it to, doesn't mean that it wasn't for the best. Oftentimes we want things that just aren't meant to be. You must accept this and learn to move on. If you can't go through the "wall" - find a way around it! Since you weren't too specific, I can only give you generalities in response, but try to apply them to your specific circumstance. Life is hard for everyone; life is always unfair. Now, it's time to make it work for you. Find pleasure in the little things if not the big ones and always treat yourself with great love. What do you like to do? If you have to go to the movies alone because you have no friends to go with, so what - enjoy the movie! You sound very young - way too young to give up. The best thing you can do for yourself is to take every day one step at a time. When you go to bed at night, don't think about tomorrow. Try relaxing, meditating and drifting off to sleep in your special "dreamplace". Imagine you have a special and very wonderful place where you have friends; it's beautiful, everything you want, you do wonderful things. Is it an island, a mountain paradise, is it on another planet? Go there, explore it, revel in it, thoroughly enjoy it. You'll wake up feeling better about yourself and more refreshed. So what if it's a fantasy - pretty soon the good feelings you get from it will become a reality. You won't be stressed out and people will enjoy your company. It sounds like you're turning people off because you're so depressed all the time. Learn to love yourself and do whatever it takes to become a happier person. Get your mind off the bad things - distract yourself; read, play music, go to the movies, the zoo, a museum - GROW! When you love yourself and enjoy who you are - other people will too! Dear Ms. Soup: See, there's this guy named Dan that I sit next to who I like talking to. Really, he's usually talking to me. The problem is that this girl named Katie keeps sending me notes in class saying that Dan is flirting with me. I enjoy talking to Dan, but I don't like Katie for sending me these notes. What should I do about Katie? signed Mina Dear Mina: It sounds like Katie might just be trying to get in on the action or excitement of a potential relationship between you and Dan. If what she's doing bothers you so much then simply tell her to stop it. Tell her that you find it annoying, that's it's terribly immature of her and that Dan is just a friend. Tell her that this is threatening your relationship with her and if she wants to remain your friend, she has to stop. If she chooses not to stop this annoying behavior then ignore it: send the note back, unopened or, if you really have the guts to do it, tell the teacher that Katie is annoying you in class with these notes and ask the teacher to talk to her. (note: if you go this route - make sure it's in private and after class.) That last action would depend on how much you treasure your relationship with Katie. It's sure to do more than just annoy her! Good Luck. Dear Ms. Soup:: I am 16 and my boyfriend is 19. I love him very much and I never want to lose him. I recently moved out of my Dad's house and now I am talking to him again. I am afraid that once my dad finds out about my boyfriend and I are engaged, he will make us split up. My dad does not like my boyfriend only because he is 3 almost 4 years older than me. What should I do about telling my dad? This is really bothering me and I don't know what to tell him. HELP!!! - Bothered in North Coast. Dear Bothered: Actually, your Dad would have every right to be upset with you and the boyfriend. At 16, you are underage, and he is legally responsible for you - in the eyes of the law and morally. The other point I need to make is that, technically, your boyfriend would be subject to statutory rape charges if you've both had sex, whether or not it was consensual, because you are underage and he is over 18. You're setting yourself up for problems. I do believe it when you say you're in love with your boyfriend, but understand this, you are quite young and you have a long life ahead of you. It's would be nice if you had more life experience before you did something drastic that might affect the rest of it. Your father is reacting very naturally to protect you, his child. You need to understand his motives. He's not just being mean. Also, he understands the repercussions of your actions, even if you don't. I think you need to think things through a little more. I know it's quite possible to fall in love at 16 and have it last forever. There have been instances like that but they are few and far between. The reality is that people grow and change and what was right at one age is not necessarily right for another. This is the advice I feel I am obligated to give you according to my own conscience and what I know to be generally true. I feel you are making a mistake but I know there are exceptions everywhere. Tell your father how you feel about the boyfriend in no uncertain terms. If you're planning to move back in (if he'll let you), I'm sure a compromise will be in order. Perhaps he will let you stay if you hold off on the engagement (wedding) until you are a certain age. I don't know what you have in mind on this. Perhaps you can agree to see other boys as a means to learn if your decision about this one boy is the correct one. Tell your father that you can't break off with this one boy because he means too much for you, but that you're willing to wait. Get involved in school or other activities. You want to grow as a person, not stagnate because of your involvement with this boy. The more you learn about life in general and that means learning to deal with other people, both girls and boys, the more you learn about yourself, your wants and needs. Grow now before marriage and children weigh you down. If it's truly love then time will not cause it to whither but only cause it to grow stronger until you're of age and time and experience has given you more information in which to make your final decision. And, if you can present your case to your father intelligently, calmly - as an adult - then maybe he will listen and respond favorably. But if you scream and rant and act a child, what else can he do but treat you like one?