Questions and Answers: Dear Ms. Soup: Last year in about December I started cutting myself. My dad found our in about Feb. But before I started cutting myself I wrote depressing poems about suicide. I stopped cutting myself because my mom said she was going to send me to the loony bin if I didn't. Well, lately I've really been wanting to start cutting myself again when I'm depressed. What should I do instead of cutting myself? thank you, plainjane Dear Jane: I refuse to call you Plainjane. That's a big negative and tells me that you don't think much of yourself. Well somebody does think something good about you and that's me. And the reason why I say that is because there is something good in you that is calling out for help. That's why you wrote to me. That little voice inside of you that doesn't want to be hurt anymore by being cut or any other bad behavior. So the first thing you must do is have a good talk with yourself and find that little voice. Ask it what kind of good things it would like to do. Would it like to learn how to paint, sing, dance, learn photography, be good at a sport, a game, or writing. Now let's take writing. You wrote poems, right? You wrote to me, right? So, letıs take that a little further. Write me a story about anything. Right now I would suggest a happy story, a positive story. It could be about somebody you admire, maybe an actor or an actress; someone in your family, someone at school, maybe a teacher. What I would like to see is a story about something good that happened to you, no matter what it is. Even if it's just a good dream, put it into a story. And when you send me that story, if it needs a little help, I'd be more than happy to help you fix it up. Then, we'll put it in Cybersoup's Stories by Kids (inside Cybersoup's Treehouse). And when it's there, you'll be officially a Cybersoup Story Contributor, and a person who has accomplished something positive in her life. Get that done as soon as possible so that you can take another positive step and then another and another so that pretty soon you'll be feeling wonderful about yourself. And remember that old saying - A Journey begins with a single step - and that single step will be the story that you'll send me. You need to understand what depression and the opposite feeling, anxiety (or nervousness) really are. First, nervousness comes from overloading our brain with too many thoughts about what MIGHT happen. I might do something that people won't like, or I might fail, or something bad might happen. Depression, which is what you said you have is created by overloading our brain about thoughts of the past. I didn't do this right, or I didn't do that right, or I've done stupid things. To stop the anxiety or the depression can be simple but it takes work and commitment. You must learn to live in the present. There are things you can do and do well. Make a list of what you're good at even if there's only one thing on the list. Completing that story I mentioned earlier would make a good start. Then, keep adding to the list. Remember when you run out of ideas, have a talk with that little voice inside. That little voice, by the way, is not another person. It's part of you and you need to help it. Remember to leave the past behind. You are now in the present doing something positive. Also remember that suicide is only for people who believe they have no other options. You have other options. That is why your little voice is crying out to you. It wants to live. It wants to be happy and "it" is YOU. Stay in touch with it. Be happy - you deserve it, whether you think so or not! Dear Jane-2: Thank you for following through with the writing assignments I gave you. After reading your poem, I'm reminded of the story about the glass. Perhaps you heard it. A man looks at a glass of water and sees it as being half empty; another man looks at the same glass of water and sees it as half full. The story is used to show that there are different ways of looking at the same thing. One is perceived as being "negative" and the other "positive". The glass that is half empty would be the negative outlook. "Oh, look, how terrible, I only have half of what I wanted, half of what I deserve, where's the rest?; it isn't enough"...and on and on. The glass that's half full is the positive outlook. You only have to think of a person stranded in the desert to know that the way he/she looks at that glass is one of gratitude for having so much to drink. I think for you, your glass is always half empty meaning you tend not to see the positives in your life. So, this is your new assignment. For every poem or every story that you write, you must write a second one that is completely different in tone from the first one. Your tendency is toward the dark and the depressed. So, while, "My Favorite Place" may be your favorite hiding place where you hide from the world, you now owe it to yourself to write a poem that brings forth a positive feeling: "My Favorite Place" in this case might be the park or a favorite chair by the window, or even a place in your own mind: such as dancing in a great ballroom while wearing the most beautiful dress in the world everytime you hear a certain romantic piece of music. In other words, for every negative you write, there must be a positive. You're going to have to practice at this to find the positives so choose your subjects carefully. I think over time, you may learn that all is not bleak. It's just a matter of how you look at things. Open your eyes and see! Lastly, I would say to you, if you truly enjoy writing and want to take it a step further, perhaps there's a teacher at school who could help guide your storytelling or poetry techniques. Whatever you do, don't stop writing, I think by reading and contemplating what you write after you're done, you'll learn a lot about yourself and see where you need to make changes - positive ones! Dear Ms. Soup: I'm a very good student and I work hard. I'm thinking maybe I need more work in my day but you know a lot of children my age (12) hate school (so do I). This year I'm going to grade 7 and I have a choice of doing half my classes in French and having them all in English. That's not so much the problem. If I want to do the French I have to go to a different school, then doing all English. Most of my friends are going to all English and I want to go to school with most of my friends, I'm afraid if I don't go to the same school they'll slip away. I've also moved three times in my life and I only have 4 friends from the other places I've lived. I have a very good friend where I live now and I don't want to loose her. If I move again I'm afraid I'll never see her again. She's going to the all English. There is another worry that gets me, too. What happens if I move again and they don't have the French thing, I'll be behind. There's not a big chance I'll move again, but what if I do? What should I do? -Kat Dear Kat: I think it's admirable that you work hard at school and are considering a step to enhance your learning. Friendship is definitely something to be treasured, but above all, you must be true to yourself and you are indeed the most important person in this equation. There is always a chance that some friends may slip away (but that could happen for any reason) but there's always a chance you may find new ones. If you take special care with your present friends (especially the good one you spoke of), there's no reason for you to lose them. It will involve good planning and communication. You'll have to meet after school and on weekends and such. It can definitely be done. I wouldn't want you do jeopardize a decision to enhance your future just because you're afraid of losing friends. I imagine being bilingual, particularly in your country, would be a definite asset in the job market later down the line, in another city perhaps. I wouldn't want you to get behind, though, if you move, but as you say the chances are remote. Forgive me but I don't know how your school system operates, but what do your parents have to say about all this? This is obviously a big decision for you to make. Where do they stand? Have you voiced your concerns to them about getting behind if you move? And will they promise if you do move that it will be to a place that has a French school? Perhaps it would help to make a list of all the pros and cons of this decision so that you can weigh each against the other. One thing, though, don't be afraid to make a choice that's different from what your friends do. It can signal the difference between being a "leader" or a "sheep" (sheep follow the leader). And ... look to your future! The "French thing" could be a very positive step towards that future. Good luck with whatever decision you make. Dear Ms. Soup: There's this one guy I liked and now that he likes me I donıt like him now. I like his best friend but I also like this one guy Jason I was going out with but he just likes me for a friend. What should I do? - Tommy Hilfiger Girl Dear Tommy Hilfiger Girl: I wonder why it is you decided that you no longer like the guy you used to like. Have you thought this one through? It is impossible for me to suggest what you should do with the little information you have provided; it's rather vague, but right off the bat I'd have to say don't throw away the guy (Jason) just because he wants to be a friend only, or for that matter the old boyfriend if he's a good friend too. Good friends are hard to come by. And you never know when things might change for the better. Your present boyfriend should understand that Jason is just a friend, though, so there's no animosity there. Decide what you like or don't like about each of the three boys. Make a definite list if you have to. This will help you decide who's your best bet. Dear Ms. Soup: See, I like this guy. I've liked him since last year, when he transferred to our school. I asked him out last year, and he said no. I think it could've been because of my glasses. I was such a geek. A few months ago I got contacts and a new haircut. He's paying a lot of attention to me(i.e. staring at me, majorly flirting, smiling). I want to ask him out again. But there's this other detail I can't get over. A month ago, he went out with my best friend. While they were going out, he liked another girl. Should I ask him out and risk getting cheated on? signed - Confused Dear Confused: Offhand, the guy does not exactly sound like the loyal type. But, it should be recognized that dating young has its ups and downs largely because the participants are still in the process of learning as much about themselves as other people. Also, from what you say, this guy sounds like he's more interested in "looks" and not substance. Still, I think it's wonderful that you made some positive changes in your looks. But why do you feel the need to ask him out again? He turned you down last year, regardless of how you looked. If he's so interested this year, then let him ask you. You'll be putting yourself in the stronger position by being the one to accept or reject. It's possible that he has not found the one girl he'd be interested in seeing for any length of time in your best friend and looked elsewhere although it would have been infinitely cooler for him to have broken off with the other girl first before moving on to the next one. In the future, it's possible you might be the next one and possibly the right one. But, the risk of being cheated on is always there. Did you ask your best friend why he did what he did? Also, how would your best friend feel if you started seeing her ex? Would she be insulted? And if so, is losing your best friend worth the risk over this guy? You'd better think long and hard about that one. I cannot give you a yes or no answer as to whether you should or shouldn't go out with this guy. The only thing I can suggest is that if do you go out with him, you keep your eyes wide open and look for signs that he may be wandering. Some guys are never happy with what they have and are always looking for a new conquest. Check out his track record with others if you can - start with the best friend. And again, I think you should wait for him to ask you. One other point: even though you've created a "new" person by changing your looks, you won't want to ignore the "inside" person. Just in case things don't work out the way you'd like, you should be able to feel good about yourself and move on. Dear Ms. Soup: There is this guy at my school that I'm totally in love with! All my friends ask him if he likes me and he always says, "No! I hate her!" I don't believe that because then, he'll smile! I think he likes me, but I want to be sure before I ask him out. How can you tell if a guy likes you without asking him? -signed Very Confused Dear Very Confused: You may have heard of the adage: "Actions speak louder than words." Well, I suggest you go by what he does rather than what he says. If he smiles and generally acts nice with you, then, chances are, he doesn't hate you. However, the first thing you should do is tell your friends to stop quizzing this boy. They may be acting on your behalf but it's really none of their business and that's probably what the boy is thinking too. Also, he sure doesn't want to feel trapped by his own words. So stop trying to trap him. Also, he could be shy or just not want an audience around. Try to talk to him privately when neither his or friends are around to "make fun" of the situation. That way you can both be at ease. Try talking to him like a friend about general things like school work or movies and such and see how he reacts to you. If he's pleasant and contributes to the conversation rather than it all being one-sided on your part, you can take it further from there, but starting slow is the best way to gauge his feelings toward you. By the way, are you sure he doesn't already have a girlfriend or like someone else? Go slow; friendship; no audience!